Keep yourself together, how to keep your cool when the going gets tough…

We all have been there. A conversation with your child turns into an argument and before you know it you are arguing with your child and not in a peaceful or nice way. And afterwards you feel so bad. How can a grown-up man or woman behave like this to a child? A child that depends on you. A child that trusts you. So, we make a resolution. From now on I will be a calm parent, I will make time to listen, I will not respond right away if I don’t like what I am hearing, I will be a patient and more lovable person. That will make things right…. Until the next time it happens again…

Why do we lose our cool? How can we keep our self together?

If you look at what happens more closely it’s not rocket science. However, parenting is hard, because it isn’t rocket science. It’s a very emotional process. And we also expect so much from ourselves in this. And we also expect so much of our children. We had a vision about how parenting would be like before we had kids (remember… most parenting experts are the ones that don’t have children).

So how do we loose it and how can we keep ourselves together?

1. We are unsure or unaware of the reason that causes the behaviour of our children.

We are sometimes so thrown by surprise that we react only to what the child is saying, or even only on how they are saying it. We need to learn what causes the behaviour of our child, before we can actually move on to helping them deal with that. Knowing and understanding are two different things though. As in life your child will feel or think things that you don't. He would say he doesn’t like to go for long walks. You can acknowledge that he doesn’t like it. You don’t have to agree with the fact that going on long walks is boring if it is what you love doing.

2. We let our child cross our boundaries, without stopping him.

In our attempt to be the perfect parent we sometimes let the child go over our boundaries much too often. They will ask, nag, beg for something you have said no to a few times already. As said in first reason, you can acknowledge that it might be a disappointment that the answer was no. It is important to give the child the opportunity why he is so disappointed but be careful... guard your boundaries. If you feel you are getting overwhelmed, tell the child, that you need a few minutes to yourself to get yourself together. Emphasize the I-message, avoid the you message (I feel a bit overwhelmed by this conversation, so I need a few minutes... instead of... you are making me feel very frustrated about this conversation…).

3. We fight the battle

We want our child to be happy, cheerful and smiling all the time. When they’re not doing that all that, we worry... Think about it though.. are we happy, cheerful and smiling all the time? Probably not. Do we feel upset if for instance we didn’t get the job we applied for... or disappointed, frustrated? Of course. And that is okay! There would be no ups without downs, right? So, if the child is feeling angry, sad, frustrated or disappointed because something happened that he didn’t like, it is okay to acknowledge that feeling, but don’t try to fight the feeling. Help your child get through it, not battle it.

4. We don’t do enough self-care

If you are starting the day tired or stressed then it is very likely something will happen that will make you lose your cool. Making sure you get enough rest, relaxation and healthy food is extreme important. Know what you need to function at your best; that could be exercising, reading a good book, watching your favourite series on Netflix, whatever it is, make sure you make time for this.

5. You feel like you are constantly repeating yourself...

How many times have I said already…. Don’t you ever listen when I tell you something… Can you never ever pay attention when I give you instructions…Sounds familiar?

Think about it though… What did you have for lunch three days ago? And what did you do last weekend? What did you watch on tv Monday night? Having a hard time remembering all this? Well…. it's the same with our children. So yes, we will have to repeat things over and over again. Once they get older you can work with reminders (pictures, written agreements, notes), but still there will be a lot you need to remind your child what you told them a lot, so better be prepared for that.

Interested in reading more or getting more information? Contact me on www.assk.info