“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together”

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together” – Sam Levenson

Sibling rivalry, anyone who has brothers and sisters and everyone with more than one child knows that it is a real thing. Growing up with two brothers I know from first hand how sibling rivalry works. Everyone has different experiences though. My husband grew up with one sister and says “he never experienced any sibling rivalry…”. Hmm, I might want to check that with my sister-in-law.

Anyway, with three children (4,9 and 12) in the house now he knows quite well what sibling rivalry is and how draining it can be for children and for parents.

There is a lot of research on this topic and a lot of it makes a case for the uses of some conflicts between brothers and sisters: From their struggles to establish dominance over each other, siblings become tougher and more resilient. From their endless rough-housing with each other, they develop speed and agility. From their verbal sparring they learn the difference between being clever and being hurtful. From the normal irritations of living together, they learn how to assert themselves, defend themselves, compromise. That’s the best of sibling rivalry…

The worst comes quicker to mind; take two kids (or three) in competition for their parents’ love and attention. Add to that the envy that one child feels for the accomplishments of the other; the personal frustration that they don’t dare to let out on anyone else but a brother or sister and it’s not hard to understand why in families across the land, the siblings relationship contains enough emotional dynamite to set off rounds of daily explosions.

The good news is that we, as parents, can make a difference. We can either intensify the competition or reduce it. We can drive hostile feelings underground or allow them to be vented safely. We can accelerate the fighting or make cooperation possible. Our attitude and words have power. We can make children feel we understand them, without agreeing with them. We can permit our children to express all their feelings, without hurting each other. We can teach them ways to deal with their mixture of emotions they have towards their siblings. We can guide our children into solving their conflicts themselves.

Want to know how? Sign up for the “Sibling without Rivalry” course! Send me message or email me on Jasperine.groeneveld@icloud.com.